They're the words written to me by my very dear friend Rose when she had noticed that I seemed to be struggling on the napping front with Hugo and was blaming myself for it.
Of course, when I am perfectly rational, I do realise that if Hugo isn't sleepy, I can rock him 'til the cows come home and he still won't fall asleep but I can't help it.
I guess that I see myself as his surrogate. For him to be calm, I need to be calm. For him to be happy, I need to be happy and for him to be sleepy, I need to be ... uh, no that one doesn't actually work but you get the idea.
For the last couple of days, Hugo has been a little bit different to his normal self. He has been cranky and difficult to feed. He jerks away when I try to feed him and starts crying even though he'll still greedily suck on my hand or a toy. Maybe he's teething, maybe he is catching some sort of cold or maybe he's just not that hungry...
The thing is, I don't know and so instead, I blame myself. If he doesn't want to eat, then there must be something wrong with my milk. Maybe my supply is low or my milk tastes funny. Maybe I hold him the wrong way or try to feed him at the wrong time...
It isn't the first time he has done this and each time, it has eventually passed and he has soon enough gone back to his normal, hungry, cheery self... meanwhile, I'll just keep reminding myself that it's not me, it's him and not in a break-up kind of way but rather that he is a person who experiences the world and his body a little differently each day. All I can do is set the scene for it to be as enjoyable as possible.
Of course, when I am perfectly rational, I do realise that if Hugo isn't sleepy, I can rock him 'til the cows come home and he still won't fall asleep but I can't help it.
I guess that I see myself as his surrogate. For him to be calm, I need to be calm. For him to be happy, I need to be happy and for him to be sleepy, I need to be ... uh, no that one doesn't actually work but you get the idea.
For the last couple of days, Hugo has been a little bit different to his normal self. He has been cranky and difficult to feed. He jerks away when I try to feed him and starts crying even though he'll still greedily suck on my hand or a toy. Maybe he's teething, maybe he is catching some sort of cold or maybe he's just not that hungry...
The thing is, I don't know and so instead, I blame myself. If he doesn't want to eat, then there must be something wrong with my milk. Maybe my supply is low or my milk tastes funny. Maybe I hold him the wrong way or try to feed him at the wrong time...
It isn't the first time he has done this and each time, it has eventually passed and he has soon enough gone back to his normal, hungry, cheery self... meanwhile, I'll just keep reminding myself that it's not me, it's him and not in a break-up kind of way but rather that he is a person who experiences the world and his body a little differently each day. All I can do is set the scene for it to be as enjoyable as possible.
As Jean Cocteau said, "Il ne faut pas chercher à tout comprendre," so it's probably time to quit trying to understand Hugo's moments of crankiness and know they will pass, that "the road up and the road down is one and the same." (Heraclitus)
ReplyDeleteAbove all, no self blame!
Thanks Jean Cocteau and yes, I can't control everything. I know I am doing my very best, that's all I can do!
ReplyDelete