If you have nothing nice to say...

... Step away from the keyboard.

There have been so many times recently when I have felt I wanted to write but upon thinking of what I might write about, I decided to step away because I wasn't sure I could muster much positivity.

The last few months have been a hard slog. The combination of Hugo's needs and Eloise's have left me feeling frayed and exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Eloise is on the move, big time which means that she requires absolutely constant supervision. We are entering the difficult stage where they are figuring out how to get around but have no balance, no coordination and worst of all, not one little bit of fear.

Her naps haven't really improved much either, leaving me little time during the day without her scratching at my legs to be picked up.

Hugo on the other hand is very well coordinated but so needy. It baffles, and upsets me slightly, to watch him being so independent and cheerful at preschool, while I listen to constant and incessant complaining at home. He whines about everything, every task, everything he wants or doesn't want. The soundtrack to our year was something between a whimper and a wail...

I completely accept that there are many reasons for him to be this way. His age, Eloise's birth, adjusting to preschool are the obvious ones, and I give everything I have to be loving, supportive, patient and resourceful to distract and help him. BUT I am human and I have feelings too, and the constant negativity chews them up and spits them out like an old piece of gum.

Preschool is a bit of a double-edged sword. On one hand, it's been so helpful to have a little time apart. I feel like I can breathe and the dark clouds in my head are parting. I really think I was suffocating after Christmas. His speech and abilities are improving at an impressive pace. He can put his shoes on (not always on the right foot), he can go to the toilet on his own and express his needs and wants better. It just feels like he uses up all his sunny temperament there and we are left with the rain.

It makes sense. We are his safe place so to some extent, he can take us for granted. He doesn't need to impress us or be on his best behaviour. He can let it all hang out and trust that we'll love him anyway. I tell myself that daily but it's so challenging.

After (now) three days of pre-school, I feel slightly refreshed while he is exhausted, which obviously makes even the simplest things very trying. It will get better. He'll get used to this pace and things will fall into place.

It upsets me to write this blogpost just a week before his birthday but I've been holding on to a lot of feelings lately that just need to pour out. I do feel frustrated and trapped, between a whiny toddler and a squirmy baby. One who needs constant attention and entertainment, and the other one who needs constant supervision and care.

They are both at an awkward stage which doesn't always mesh very well. They play together but it inevitably ends in tears and it's nearly impossible to play with Hugo when Eloise is around because she grabs and destroys everything. Meanwhile, it's impossible to play with Eloise because Hugo gets jealous and in the way.

One day, Eloise will get around on her own and find some independence. One day, Hugo will start playing on his own. One day, they'll play together and I won't have to worry that he is about to push her and make her topple over. One day, it will get easier, everyone says so.

Until then though, it's a tough gig. I'm hanging in there by the skin of my teeth, getting through with the help of preschool and week-ends with Chris, and the fact that when the clouds part, and the sun shines again, I can't quite believe how beautiful and adorable they both are. There will be many more positive blogposts, but not this one. Sometimes, it just needs to come out to move on. 

10 months with Eloise & counting the days to Hugo's birthday.

This month has gone by so quickly and I didn't even take the time to take photos of Eloise with the good camera. I took some on my phone when we were at Blackbutt reserve, an amazing little place we have been spending more time at recently to look at all the native animals they have there and use the great playground that was recently installed.

I have just accepted a third day for Hugo at preschool. It took us a few days to make a decision but I think it is the right one for all of us. Hugo is always so excited to go and I know that he is well taken care of, stimulated and learning some great skills. He has already changed so much since starting and it's obvious that he is benefitting from it all.

Also, Eloise is starting to develop her own rhythm which is quite different to Hugo's. Trying to coordinate them is exhausting, leaving absolutely nothing for me. Removing some pressure to be Hugo's sole carer and entertainer is making the time we have together much more enjoyable. I am more inclined to try and do something a little bit special like going to the pool or baking something at home. I just have a bit more energy for it all which can only be a good thing.

Hugo - 35 months, Eloise - 9 1/2 months & a watermelon.

When it gets tough, I often decide to pull out the good camera and try and take a few good pics of the kids. Today was one of those days, or maybe even this week. Trying to take a few nice portraits helps me to focus on capturing their beauty and allows me to let go a little bit of the frustration that floods my body on a daily basis. 

With only one month until Hugo's birthday, our baby is turning into a little boy before our eyes. We are watching him transform since he has started going to pre-school. His confidence is growing there, he is becoming more talkative, he is making little friends, he is engaging in all the activities, and enjoying following the routines and rules in place. His adaptation has been wonderful and he really is finding his feet there. 

At home, it feels like he is playing a little more independently and whining a little less. He speaks more and better and our conversations are becoming more interesting with every passing day. He is able to remember particular events or people, as well as remembering plans for the future. We actually have to be a little careful now not to disappoint by changing plans since he remembers everything and reminds us generously. 

I am excited to celebrate his birthday in one month and say good-bye to the year gone by. It has been a challenging year with him and with the birth of Eloise obviously. Let's see what the Three-nager year has in store for us...

That poor watermelon didn't stand a chance with Eloise! She loves it! Our little cherub is turning into quite the jolly little thing. This morning, Hugo and her were playing a game of laughing at each other for about 10 minutes, and then Hugo spoon-fed her some applesauce which they also both found hysterical. She is really close to walking with strong little legs which she can hover on for a few seconds already. She is into everything and needs some much supervision now. She also makes it totally impossible to play any game or read books with Hugo which can get a little frustrating for him. Can you spot her brand new little teeth?

9 months with Eloise.

Last month's photos feel like ages ago but I guess it's been a busy time. We've had Christmas and New Year in Albury, with some pretty special guests (Paul, Marc & Sabina), then a week of rain at home, Chris's return to work and Hugo's first days at pre-school.

It was a bit stressful leading up to Hugo's first day. I was feeling nervous about some practical concerns, especially potty training and how that would be managed. Of course, we were most nervous about how Hugo would fare but his radiant nature and smily temperament meant that he had a great first day despite a shaky drop off. He's had a couple more days since and although he gets teary when I say goodbye, he is quite happy to stay and go paint or make music.

In Eloise's world, mobility is the word. She can now stand and cruise around furniture, she loves to dance and sometimes lets go of her hands and hovers for a few seconds before plonking down onto her padded bottom. She is smiley, happy and adorable. Her naps continue to be short in the cot and long in the carrier. I'm over it but I know it won't be forever. The question is, will she become a champion napper like Hugo? I have hope since I certainly had my challenges with his sleep too.

Taking these photos was an interesting challenge since Eloise never stopped moving and her target was the camera itself so I had to keep escaping her as she crawled at high speed towards me, while trying to take photos that would be even slightly in focus. However, she was also responding to the camera in a funny way by posing and smiling for a couple of shutter clicks before chasing me again. This explains why she is smiling and looking into the camera in basically every photo. Her resemblance to Chris in this batch is pretty striking.