... Step away from the keyboard.
There have been so many times recently when I have felt I wanted to write but upon thinking of what I might write about, I decided to step away because I wasn't sure I could muster much positivity.
The last few months have been a hard slog. The combination of Hugo's needs and Eloise's have left me feeling frayed and exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Eloise is on the move, big time which means that she requires absolutely constant supervision. We are entering the difficult stage where they are figuring out how to get around but have no balance, no coordination and worst of all, not one little bit of fear.
Her naps haven't really improved much either, leaving me little time during the day without her scratching at my legs to be picked up.
Hugo on the other hand is very well coordinated but so needy. It baffles, and upsets me slightly, to watch him being so independent and cheerful at preschool, while I listen to constant and incessant complaining at home. He whines about everything, every task, everything he wants or doesn't want. The soundtrack to our year was something between a whimper and a wail...
I completely accept that there are many reasons for him to be this way. His age, Eloise's birth, adjusting to preschool are the obvious ones, and I give everything I have to be loving, supportive, patient and resourceful to distract and help him. BUT I am human and I have feelings too, and the constant negativity chews them up and spits them out like an old piece of gum.
Preschool is a bit of a double-edged sword. On one hand, it's been so helpful to have a little time apart. I feel like I can breathe and the dark clouds in my head are parting. I really think I was suffocating after Christmas. His speech and abilities are improving at an impressive pace. He can put his shoes on (not always on the right foot), he can go to the toilet on his own and express his needs and wants better. It just feels like he uses up all his sunny temperament there and we are left with the rain.
It makes sense. We are his safe place so to some extent, he can take us for granted. He doesn't need to impress us or be on his best behaviour. He can let it all hang out and trust that we'll love him anyway. I tell myself that daily but it's so challenging.
After (now) three days of pre-school, I feel slightly refreshed while he is exhausted, which obviously makes even the simplest things very trying. It will get better. He'll get used to this pace and things will fall into place.
It upsets me to write this blogpost just a week before his birthday but I've been holding on to a lot of feelings lately that just need to pour out. I do feel frustrated and trapped, between a whiny toddler and a squirmy baby. One who needs constant attention and entertainment, and the other one who needs constant supervision and care.
They are both at an awkward stage which doesn't always mesh very well. They play together but it inevitably ends in tears and it's nearly impossible to play with Hugo when Eloise is around because she grabs and destroys everything. Meanwhile, it's impossible to play with Eloise because Hugo gets jealous and in the way.
One day, Eloise will get around on her own and find some independence. One day, Hugo will start playing on his own. One day, they'll play together and I won't have to worry that he is about to push her and make her topple over. One day, it will get easier, everyone says so.
Until then though, it's a tough gig. I'm hanging in there by the skin of my teeth, getting through with the help of preschool and week-ends with Chris, and the fact that when the clouds part, and the sun shines again, I can't quite believe how beautiful and adorable they both are. There will be many more positive blogposts, but not this one. Sometimes, it just needs to come out to move on.
There have been so many times recently when I have felt I wanted to write but upon thinking of what I might write about, I decided to step away because I wasn't sure I could muster much positivity.
The last few months have been a hard slog. The combination of Hugo's needs and Eloise's have left me feeling frayed and exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Eloise is on the move, big time which means that she requires absolutely constant supervision. We are entering the difficult stage where they are figuring out how to get around but have no balance, no coordination and worst of all, not one little bit of fear.
Her naps haven't really improved much either, leaving me little time during the day without her scratching at my legs to be picked up.
Hugo on the other hand is very well coordinated but so needy. It baffles, and upsets me slightly, to watch him being so independent and cheerful at preschool, while I listen to constant and incessant complaining at home. He whines about everything, every task, everything he wants or doesn't want. The soundtrack to our year was something between a whimper and a wail...
I completely accept that there are many reasons for him to be this way. His age, Eloise's birth, adjusting to preschool are the obvious ones, and I give everything I have to be loving, supportive, patient and resourceful to distract and help him. BUT I am human and I have feelings too, and the constant negativity chews them up and spits them out like an old piece of gum.
Preschool is a bit of a double-edged sword. On one hand, it's been so helpful to have a little time apart. I feel like I can breathe and the dark clouds in my head are parting. I really think I was suffocating after Christmas. His speech and abilities are improving at an impressive pace. He can put his shoes on (not always on the right foot), he can go to the toilet on his own and express his needs and wants better. It just feels like he uses up all his sunny temperament there and we are left with the rain.
It makes sense. We are his safe place so to some extent, he can take us for granted. He doesn't need to impress us or be on his best behaviour. He can let it all hang out and trust that we'll love him anyway. I tell myself that daily but it's so challenging.
After (now) three days of pre-school, I feel slightly refreshed while he is exhausted, which obviously makes even the simplest things very trying. It will get better. He'll get used to this pace and things will fall into place.
It upsets me to write this blogpost just a week before his birthday but I've been holding on to a lot of feelings lately that just need to pour out. I do feel frustrated and trapped, between a whiny toddler and a squirmy baby. One who needs constant attention and entertainment, and the other one who needs constant supervision and care.
They are both at an awkward stage which doesn't always mesh very well. They play together but it inevitably ends in tears and it's nearly impossible to play with Hugo when Eloise is around because she grabs and destroys everything. Meanwhile, it's impossible to play with Eloise because Hugo gets jealous and in the way.
One day, Eloise will get around on her own and find some independence. One day, Hugo will start playing on his own. One day, they'll play together and I won't have to worry that he is about to push her and make her topple over. One day, it will get easier, everyone says so.
Until then though, it's a tough gig. I'm hanging in there by the skin of my teeth, getting through with the help of preschool and week-ends with Chris, and the fact that when the clouds part, and the sun shines again, I can't quite believe how beautiful and adorable they both are. There will be many more positive blogposts, but not this one. Sometimes, it just needs to come out to move on.
Ohhh Laura love to you. It does suck balls at least half the time !xxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteIt's not as bad as it sounds but some days, I'm so over it, I just can't see the good stuff anymore. Some days, not all days, but they count too.
DeleteEach day moves you forward so there is only progress ahead. Parenthood is a long haul and there will always be challenges to face and joys to offset them with proportions of each varying along the way. At times it can be a lonely endeavor and at others one brims with plenitude. Yes, it all counts and no one is perfect, neither parents nor children, so we do what we do and hope for the best.
ReplyDeleteWe are all sick today which could also explain why we've been feeling a little low... I also know that I will look back and realise how simple the problems were, even if exhausting, so onwards we go.
DeleteSure, by comparison later experiences can appear far more complicated than life with toddlers but the opposite can also occur when looking back: "How in the world did I manage to handle A-Z all at once?"
ReplyDeleteThe point is that sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard but either way, very little in my book is as fulfilling. That said, I respect those who choose completely different books from the library of life.