One year into motherhood and I feel that I am hitting my stride. Daily life doesn't seem as confusing or unpredictable anymore.
I enjoy most days and most moments of each day.
I enjoy Hugo's company and find him an easy and pleasant companion.
I take pleasure in getting through a succession of meals, errands, naps, walks, playtimes and so on.
I find it a beautiful, at times challenging and absolutely rewarding life.
BUT I think that I see it as a refuge too. A refuge from real life and having to once again figure out where I fit in professionally.
I watch my confidence as a mother grow at the same rate as my professional confidence crumbles.
I think about getting back to work but I feel numb, dazed, like my brain is half-asleep.
The longer I stay away, the more inadequate and incompetent I feel.
And of course, the longer I stay away, the harder it is to go back. It becomes hard to be ambitious, let alone competitive.
I do want to write and I want to make money from it.
I need to realise that I can feel confident in more than one way.
Life with Hugo and work are not mutually exclusive. I know it for a fact since I have done it. Just not much lately.
And yet, I forget. I am doing it and still feel like I am not, like it doesn't count.
I need to take comfort in my confidence as a mother and use it as a source of energy to move forward professionally.
I need to stop confusing being scared and being dumb. I am one but not the other.
It's time to get moving because I know that despite the stress and pressure it adds, it will make me feel better. It will make me feel good.
I enjoy most days and most moments of each day.
I enjoy Hugo's company and find him an easy and pleasant companion.
I take pleasure in getting through a succession of meals, errands, naps, walks, playtimes and so on.
I find it a beautiful, at times challenging and absolutely rewarding life.
BUT I think that I see it as a refuge too. A refuge from real life and having to once again figure out where I fit in professionally.
I watch my confidence as a mother grow at the same rate as my professional confidence crumbles.
I think about getting back to work but I feel numb, dazed, like my brain is half-asleep.
The longer I stay away, the more inadequate and incompetent I feel.
And of course, the longer I stay away, the harder it is to go back. It becomes hard to be ambitious, let alone competitive.
I do want to write and I want to make money from it.
I need to realise that I can feel confident in more than one way.
Life with Hugo and work are not mutually exclusive. I know it for a fact since I have done it. Just not much lately.
And yet, I forget. I am doing it and still feel like I am not, like it doesn't count.
I need to take comfort in my confidence as a mother and use it as a source of energy to move forward professionally.
I need to stop confusing being scared and being dumb. I am one but not the other.
It's time to get moving because I know that despite the stress and pressure it adds, it will make me feel better. It will make me feel good.
I think you'll see that the more you do ... the more you do!
ReplyDeleteAnd also that your professional talent is not buried under bamboo diapers.
There's a time for everything and maybe now you are feeling ready to pick up where you left off before Hugo.
There's no room for doubting though. You don't have less to offer. It's quite the contrary -- You have even more to say and do than ever before!
Sometimes I spend more time seeing what I don't have to offer and ignoring what I do have... It's time I start seeing what makes me different and spend less time on how to be the same.
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that and it's a huge mistake. Open your eyes to the rampant mediocrity around you.
ReplyDeleteSure, there are people who truly excel in their fields and of whose brilliance we are in awe, but don't you often see, hear of or read things and think, "I could have done a better job!"
In the meantime, "they" are doing it. No need to constantly strive for perfection to feel valid. Just keep up some momentum and you'll find satisfaction.