All the good things.

I have been using this blog lately to do a couple of things. One is to keep my fingers moving and maintain some sort of 'writing flow' if there is such a thing. My aim is to write most days but not to write perfect entries so I don't do much editing or thinking ahead. I just sit down, type and hit "publish".

I also use it to dissect some of the thoughts that go around in my head. Writing a blogpost is a little like walking around in a dark room and shining a light into a corner. The things I write about are usually things I have been thinking about for a few days and I just want to get out my system.

As a result, the blog entries can give the impression that I am in a bit down at times. It's not the case. I feel absolutely fine. I do feel a bit low occasionally but I never stay there because overall, the good things far outweigh that bad things.

Hugo truly is an angel. Apart from looking like one, with his long eyelashes, his big dark eyes, his perfect little nose and beaming smile, his locks of soft red hair and velvet soft skin... He really is the most adorable little boy I have ever seen. He is kind and gentle. He is affectionate and likes a good laugh. He is adventurous and observant. He makes us laugh so much and makes our hearts burst with pride.

Today, to walk from the museum back to the carpark, he didn't want to hold my hand but he was so excited to hold his friend's hand. Hugo and Beau walked hand in hand, giggling in turns and beaming from ear to ear, to our cars. It was magical.

When I see other children throwing themselves on the floor, screaming, crying, refusing to share toys and hitting, I wonder why Hugo doesn't do any of that. It's amazing. All week-end, he encouraged Archie who is 10 months younger than him to play with all his toys, to hop on his bike, to read books together. He is so easy and good-natured.

And when he does need a little time out, all we have to do at the moment is sit him on his bed with a few books where he quietly sits and reads until he is calm again. Today, a friend asked me about 'time out' so I said that's what we do and then she asked, "but what if you're not at home?" and I realised that we had never been in that situation. It is such a joy not to have to worry about how things will go because they always go fine. The supermarket, the hairdresser, even the dentist. He has never made a scene anywhere. I am spoilt.

And with Eloise, I can't even completely get my head around how happy I am to have her. Having her against me all day is as much necessity as it is pleasure. I love stroking her soft little head and feeling her breath against my chest. I love having her next to me at night and occasionally waking up while she is still sleeping. I can watch her, and listen to her snoring softly next to me. It's heaven.

When she is awake, she smiles and smiles and smiles. She thinks we are the best thing that has ever happened. Not just to her but generally, to the whole world. She thinks we are awesome. She smiles and throws her little body back to laugh. Sometimes she squeals with delight and in those moments, I lose myself completely. In those moments, I am in heaven.

And the best thing of all is watching Hugo and Eloise together. When all people ever talk about is jealousy and conflict between children, watching Hugo stroke her when she cries, or trying to tickle her, or running towards us to give her a kiss before going to bed, I could just melt. And the way she watches him and looks at him with a smile, thinking that he is all things amazing wrapped into one bouncy package, is incomparable to anything I have ever experienced.

When I observe all of this and feel the joy and wholeness that children bring, I wonder how we managed to make such perfect little beings. And occasionally, I give myself (and Chris) a little pat on the back because somewhere in the chaos, we must be doing something right. 

So, how is it with two?

I get asked this question a lot and for now, my answer is always the same, "easier than I thought it would be."

Reading what other parents write about what it's like is generally enough to put you off the whole thing altogether. It's all so negative and conjures up images of all your worst nightmares rolled up into one: vomit, poo, cries, sleepless nights, mess, chaos, tantrums... and I won't even get started on how the process of giving birth is described. Anyway, it's a wonder anyone does it at all.

When I was pregnant, people kept telling me I was going to have my hands full, as if the generations before me didn't manage with the 14 kids they had. 'Busy' is the word these days, glorified and vilified in equal proportion. We're all complaining about how busy we are but repulsed at the idea of not doing much.

Of course, all the bad things are true. There is what seems like an endless amount of annoying little things to deal with every day and with two children, there is proportionally more of everything but, going from 0 children to 1 was definitely way more difficult than going from 1 to 2.

When having Hugo, I had to let go of so much. My free time, my independence, my control and replace it with his schedule, his needs, his demands. And I had to learn how to fill in the time so I wouldn't lose my mind with boredom completely.

All of that is in place now, our weeks go along more or less the same one after the other. We have places to be, things to do, people to meet and the only thing that has changed, is that Eloise comes along too. That's it.

Errands have become more difficult to run and the logistics are slightly more complicated but all the adjustments to our lifestyle were made a long time ago.

I am also doing things differently, mostly our of convenience. During the day, Eloise just sleeps in the baby carrier. It gets physically tiring but isn't nearly as stressful as trying to resettle her to sleep as I did with Hugo. I remember feeling that I spent hours getting him to sleep and keeping him asleep. With Eloise, I hardly even think about it. If she looks tired, I strap her on, bounce a little and get on with what I was doing. This arrangement might not suit me forever so we'll change it then. In the meantime, life is peaceful.

At night, Eloise sleeps next to me which also just makes life so much easier. She's 15 weeks old and I haven't felt sleep deprived yet because apart from feeding her when she stirs, I hardly ever have to physically get up. I get enough sleep to feel fine, provided I go to bed fairly early. Being able to function and enjoy my days with both of them is all I can ask for at this stage. When this arrangement doesn't work for us anymore, we'll change it. But until then, we'll keep doing what we're doing because it's working.

There are moments when everything falls apart. Both children are crying and I can't sort them out fast enough. Thankfully, it doesn't happen too often. The rest of the time, Eloise sits in her bouncer while I dress Hugo or Hugo jumps off the couch while I feed Eloise. It's not especially relaxing or easy but we get through the days, one by one and have fun doing it.

I think that I have also adjusted my expectations this time. I accept that Hugo will get less attention and that Eloise won't ever get as much as Hugo did. More than that would be impossible to achieve on my own but they aren't suffering anyway because what was taken away with Eloise's birth will be replenished and overflowing with what they will both gain from having each other.

A couple years back, a friend of mine was expecting her second son and when I asked her how it was with two, she simply said, "double trouble, double fun." I only wish we would all focus a little more on the fun part.

Watch out for that foot Eloise!

The common cold.

Eloise had her first blocked nose yesterday at 14 weeks of age. Hugo was almost one the first time he got sick. It's amazing to think about how much more sheltered the first child can be, not to have been exposed to anything for almost a whole year.

Poor Eloise on the other hand doesn't have much hope to stay germ-free, particularly if Hugo does start pre-school in a few months. He's guaranteed to get sick more often and by extension, the rest of our household.

Thankfully, although Chris is somewhat susceptible to catching other people's viruses, I continue to have the toughest immune system in the world. I can't even remember the last time I caught a serious cold. Let's hope it stays this way and that both our children continue to fight off germs as quickly as possible.

They both seem better today, thanks to the age old combination of sleep, milk and panadol. 

Montessori.

Oh oh, I visited another preschool today and loved it even more than the last one. Luckily though, it isn't inconceivable that Hugo could get a spot there if we are lucky.

We were invited to observe the Montessori pre-school which is just a 10 minute walk from our house. I loved instantly, not least because a lovely young man was working there and he reminded me of Paulu.

In the Montessori approach, everything is done to encourage independence at a young age. Children set the pace and content of what they call an 'emergent' curriculum, as it emerges from the children's interest. The teachers keep detailed records of what each child is up to and interested in, as they follow their lead and evolving interests.

This aspiration to nurture autonomy is felt in every sense and it was easy to notice the children taking charge of themselves. The place was so quiet and peaceful, each child busily working at something, under the watchful but somewhat distant gaze of the teachers.

In the main space, there is a little kitchen bench for water. There, every child keeps a drinking cup. It has their name on it and is ceramic. They are expected to look after it and be careful enough not to break it. There is a little step so that they can pour filtered water into their cup, drink, and then clean and dry their cup themselves. Tasks of real life are blended into the more traditional school activities such as painting, playdough, playing etc...

From research, I knew that the general approach would appeal to me but I wasn't expecting to feel the calm and peace that came with it. I loved it and would really love for Hugo to attend their program. I can just see him fitting in perfectly in what seems like a nurturing environment with ambitious aims for the each child.

The good news is that they do have quite a few open spots which they are in the process of filling in. Enrolments should be finalised in the next few weeks but since we can be flexible with the days Hugo would attend, we might have a chance.

What's nice is that if it doesn't work out, the other one will and would be perfectly fine but in an ideal world, I know this is where I would like Hugo to be. Fingers crossed xx

Rain & Shine.

Hugo & Chachie.

That profile! Those rolls! That little nose!

Pre-school.

Woohoo! it looks like Hugo will be able to start pre-school early next year, just before his third birthday. A couple days ago, when I was feeling a little down, I thought it was time to make a good effort to organise something for him so I emailed all the pre-schools around us in one swift session.

Before long, I received lots of replies and while most of them were very friendly and happy to put Hugo on a waiting list, only one seemed like it would be able to actually enrol him for next year.

We went to visit it this morning and leading up to it, I was really hoping I would get a good feeling from the place since it looked like our only realistic option at this stage.

I had been corresponding with the director who seemed lovely. That was a good first sign. Once we got there, I found the place to be just like all the other childcares I had visited in the past. It was perfectly fine without being anything flashy. There are a few brand new centres around and they are fairly impressive. The older ones do seem a little dated in comparison but in the end, paint is paint is paint. The activities are all the same and kids don't need everything to be brand spanking new.

The place looked clean, not too crowded and all the staff were friendly and welcoming. All the kids looked perfectly at ease and keeping themselves busy nicely, even on a rainy day like today.

From the moment, we walked in, we were made to feel welcome. Hugo was invited to play with whatever he wanted, even decorating a little box with collage stuff. I spoke with the director who gave me the sense that this is an environment where children can learn while feeling nurtured. They can nap, they can play, they can rest, they can learn.

It was a great relief to get a good feeling because we won't have many options anyway, unless we wanted to wait another year.

The government wants preschools to prioritise 4 year olds and to do that, they are cutting funding to centres who enrol younger children. For some reason, this place is willing to take him despite being just on the cusp of being too young.

I think it will be a great experience for him and seeing him run around and find toys and activities to play with made me feel confident that he will be ready when the time comes in January.

We will be back for an orientation week in November which I am looking forward to. I think this will be a great step for Hugo and being quite soon already, I feel very cheerful about the next few months. 

Time out.

Hugo had his first 'time out' yesterday with a very surprising result!

When Chris came home from work, a switch went off in Hugo's head and he instantly turned into a needy wailing toddler after what had been a fairly nice day. It was evident that what he wanted so desperately was Chris' attention at a time when Chris needs to hit the ground running as we both prepare dinner, feed Eloise (that's me), run baths, tidy up and so on.

Feeling overwhelmed by the plaintive noises Hugo was making at an increasingly high volume, I grabbed him, placed him on his bed with a few books and told him he had to sit there and read until he calmed down. He was looking at me with his big dark eyes and in a sheepish voice, said, 'yeah'.

I stayed nearby, putting his toys and books back on their shelves as I watched and listened to him happily reading to himself. When he was ready for something else, he told me which toy he wanted and played with that for a while.

Eventually, he stood up on his bed and waited for my permission to get down and go play again. I asked him if he was calm, once again in his tiny voice, he replied, 'yeah' but this time it was followed by an adorable smile. I let him down and he happily ran off to play with a truck.

From that point, he was transformed; a little angel had replaced our upset toddler. He played and ate his dinner with gusto, running a happy commentary throughout. Hopped into the bath the second it was full and got ready for bed bouncing from the bathroom to the change table and into his bed. It was amazing!

While he was in his 'time out', he didn't make a single attempt to complain or argue. Instead, he seemed to understand what he was there for.

When he does something naughty, Chris and I have a sort of procedure we follow. We sit him down a little forcefully, tell him that what he did is a 'betise', explain why when possible and make him watch as we clean up around him. I then ask him if he has understood, to which the sheepish 'yeah' is the usual answer. Only when he has permission, can he get up and go play.

What's nice is that it isn't over the top but it seems effective as far as understanding what is naughty. When I say something is a betise, his face changes into a guilty look and he does what he is told. The time out on the bed was a step above but once again, it wasn't scary for him while still getting some sort of message across.

Time will tell whether this method will suffice for a while but in any case, the pleasure we all felt afterwards set a much better tone for the rest of the night.

The aftermath.

(Update: Since writing this post, I have emailed all the pre-schools around us enquiring about putting Hugo's name down for a start next year. I am by no means trying to push him out but I want things to be in place for when he is ready to explore new horizons.)

The trouble with holidays is that they shine a bright light on the dullness of normal life with its routines, logistics and long lonely days. This week has been a little tough and judging by Hugo's fairly constant wingeing, I might not be the only one feeling the sting of reality setting back in.

I can't blame Hugo for feeling a little hard done by this week. Despite my best efforts to take him to the park or the beach, to organise play-dates with his buddies and to play together at home, the excitement levels have dropped significantly. It doesn't matter what I do, our days together are a bit dull, my patience, energy and resources are all limited and well, I get a bit bored too.

Yesterday afternoon, Hugo woke up from his nap around 4pm so I decided to just stay at home rather than go out at the end of the day when it gets cold and dark. I miss having nice times at home and what I picture is Hugo keeping himself entertained with his millions of toys and books while I potter around. I don't even need to do something nice but just peacefully hanging the laundry or starting dinner would be fine by me.

Instead, Hugo follows me around like my shadow, except whinier. Every time I take a step, he takes one right behind me and if by some miracle, he starts playing with something on his own, he stops and follows me the second I get up to leave the room. All of this is abundantly accompanied by fake crying and wailing. He's like some sort of dizziying satellite around an increasingly annoyed planet.

Is it an age thing? Or am I doing something completely wrong?

It better be his age because I honestly don't know how to make things more exciting for him otherwise. I am really hoping that over the next few months, he will gradually become more enthralled by his own games. I also fantasise about a time when Hugo and Eloise can play together but I'm sure that this will come with its fair share of drama too.

The real problem here isn't Hugo or even me, it's that it's only ever just us. Last week, he had loads of people to play with and I had plenty of people around to chat with. Time just went quicker and we got a break from each other and our routines. How can I expect either of us to feel excited about doing the same thing for the millionth time? It's still nice but it loses some of its shine.

I realised the other day that since Hugo was born, more than two years ago, I have had only 3 days on my own when Chris took him to Albury for the week-end. Meanwhile, Chris has NEVER had a single day alone with Hugo. Not one! What's frustrating is that he would definitely enjoy having more time with Hugo and would do very well. Meanwhile, I dream of time alone but it just doesn't happen for either of us. It's a crazy system and no wonder we're all going bonkers!

Sadly, nothing is going to change for a while so I might as well get back into the groove of things. Enjoy this time while I have it. As tough as it is, I know I won't regret it in the long run. And also, we have visitors coming and I can't wait!!

In our uni days, when things got busy, we used to say, "There is beer at the end of the tunnel." I don't even need beer, just a little bit of old-fashioned company will be plenty.

The holiday.

We spent the last week in Albury at Chris' parents for a well deserved holiday. Since Christmas, we had barely had a chance to catch a breath between the renovation which lasted about four months and having Eloise. It has been an intense six months which I only really realised once we got there.

Life in Albury follows an easy rhythm where the days are regularly punctuated with breaks revolving around food from breakfast to morning coffee to lunch to afternoon tea to dinner. Basically the perfect routine with children who like to eat, play and rest at regular intervals.

Making life super easy for us, Chris' parents are the perfect babysitters. From the moment Hugo woke up, they took over. All rugged up, hats, gloves and boots on, Hugo would wander off with either of his grandparents not to be seen for the next few hours. They went and collected the eggs from the chooks, patted the dog, played in the sandpit and on the swings, dug around in the dirt and even planted a bonsai, officially making Hugo John's youngest bonsai apprentice to date.

For us it was heaven. Having extra hands always makes life easier but what makes it great is when the extra hands are caring, patient and enthusiastic. Hugo was perfectly at ease and we were too, able to take it easy with Eloise.

Hugo also enjoyed playing with his cousins Harry (4), Jinty (2 1/2) and Zarah (9 months). Initially Harry took Hugo under his wing, gently bossing him around as they played with trucks and sticks and ran around in the sandpit. Hugo happily followed Harry around wide eyed and grinning. He looked like a little puppy lighting bouncing around trying to keep up with his new friend. At first, Jinty was a little left out but she soon joined in and our little toddlers got closer. When they played at chasing each other, Hugo and Jinty would give each other a big hug every time they caught up to one another. They would then sit together on a pouf on the floor to watch TV before dinner. It was all rather adorable.

Meanwhile, we didn't have to do much and even managed to get away for a few hours each day when Hugo was napping.

Once upon a time, a holiday might have meant going somewhere new and exotic. I hope we get to do that too one day but for now, a stay-cation away from home is the best of both worlds.

We also made a small detour via Bright, a small town at the bottom of the Victorian Alps, to visit our friends Carolinna & Simon and their 7 month old baby girl. As we lugged our three children around, our carefree university days suddenly felt quite distant.

And our obligatory overnight stop in Camden with these guys on the way back.

Three months.

Three months already with our beautiful little girl who rarely leaves the pouch strapped to my chest. Eloise is becoming more alert by the day and when awake, spends a lot of time chewing on her hand and cooing to our delight. She continues to sleep well at night leaving us nicely rested to take on the day. Life is peaceful.

Props by Hugo.

Our backyard.

Our house came with a backyard and as such, I was able to claim a little patch of grass as my own for the very first time, ever.

Growing up in a city, I used to be fairly dismissive of the 'Australian Dream' embodied by a quarter acre block complete with a patch of grass for kids to run around on. However, I have somewhat come around to the idea and can see why having one's own little bit of outdoor space can be a lovely thing.

It's a pity then that we never use ours.

It has the potential to become a nice outdoor space but at the moment, it's everything but. It's wild and overgrown with bits of building materials still lying around from the renovation. The plants and trees aren't anything special, the soil is terrible (mostly sand) and gave us a pretty dismal crop of vegetables, which have now all been ripped out of the ground anyway. In summer, we get a lot of mosquitoes and without any form of furniture there, there is nowhere comfortable for me to sit if Hugo wants to play. We have a sandpit that gets covered in fallen leaves and some rusty toy trucks that belonged to Chris. To make matters worse, it is a fair bit lower than the level of the house so it involves going up and down a long flight of stairs. From the house, supervision is very limited because of a tree canopy blocking most of it out.

It needs work!

I am hopeful though that one day, it can really work. We are starting to hatch a few ideas that would radically improve its usability, child-friendliness and aesthetic. For a start, I want to get rid of the big tree to give us a beautiful view we are completely missing out on from the house. We also want to extend our little balcony into a deck that we can use to have lunch on or engage in messy activities like painting for example. Then, we might have a deck at ground level covered by the deck above to have a nice shady undercover spot to hang hammocks and sit around, even on a rainy day. I want to plant a succulent garden which would be beautiful and super low maintenance. We want to put a little treehouse above the sandpit which would help keep the sand clean and provide shade. And obviously it would be super fun. As for the stair, there isn't much we can do about that but soon the children will be old enough to get up and down safely on their own.

So it is a work in progress rather than a lost cause. Maybe we can make a start with my Dad in a couple of months because it's time we started living the dream.

Le hasard.

In French, we say, "Le hasard fait bien les choses," which means that chance does things right. A few days ago I confirmed that the midwife who delivered Eloise was in fact the same midwife who, just over two years ago, also delivered Hugo in a different hospital and really, simply by chance. 

From the moment Jenny walked through the doors of our house several months ago on the occasion of our first antenatal meeting for my second pregnancy, I just couldn't shake the feeling that she seemed familiar to me. Just for an instant, I thought that it was the same person but because it was a different hospital and Hugo's birth had been such a blur anyway, I simply dismissed the idea. The feeling never left me though even if I didn't share my suspicions with anyone. 

A part of me didn't want it to be the case because if I'm completely honest, I hadn't been impressed by the midwife at the time of Hugo's birth. I had found her quite cold and abrupt. Although she had been able to help me calm down afterwards, she had left us in the room alone at a very crucial time as my labor quickly escalated. By the time she came back, I was already very far along and she had been taken by surprise. For that, I did feel a little let down and unsupported.

She had also insisted on making the temperature of the bath very hot and I still think that getting so dehydrated was the reason I ended up with a full blown bladder infection almost as soon as Hugo was born. 

Nevertheless, I also remember that afterwards, she had made a passing comment about how surprisingly fast my labour had been for a first timer. She had said it jokingly, warmly and with a smile. It had lightened the atmosphere in the room after what had been a very intense experience. 

Following this pregnancy, over the course of a few weeks, we were able to all warm up to each other. Jenny, we discovered, is a tough nut to crack. She does have a fairly tough exterior, she isn't cold but she isn't warm and fuzzy either. She gets straight to the point with a no-nonsense attitude. Behind this though is hidden a caring, tough-loving, supportive woman who reserves her warmth for special occasions. At least, you know she means it. 

In any case, my suspicion that she was the same person was confirmed when, going through papers, I found a bristol card that had been filled out when Hugo was born. It had his basic birth information and had been filled out by the midwife present. The name written on there was 'Jenny' and the handwriting almost identical to my more recent paperwork. 

I texted her that day and she confirmed that she was working there at the time and that there was indeed a very high chance it had been her that day. There isn't really a doubt left in my mind and I am certain it was her. 

I am glad that I was right afterall. In a way, I feel reconciled with some of the events during and following Hugo's birth. I am still not completely happy with some of the details but I feel that Jenny got a second chance to show her warmer side. At least, I know her a little better now and I will always be infinitely grateful for the incredibly important role she has played in our lives. 

Photos of me.

Since my children were born, I have taken thousands of photos of them and a few hundred of Chris with them as well. Unfortunately, it seems that although mothers naturally reach for the camera when they see something beautiful/cute/funny/interesting, the same cannot be said of fathers. Therefore, there are a lot less photos of me with or without the children. 

I complain about this once in a while which usually prompts Chris to grab the camera and take a few photos in that moment. This happened last week and although I would prefer it to be because Chris was overwhelmed by the beauty of the scene and just had to record it, rather than because of my complaining, I'm still glad he took them. There are even a few nice ones.