The website.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have spent Hugo's naptime working on a website for myself.

Just to set the scene, I am usually working at my desk, bouncing up and down on a giant gym ball in lieu of a chair with Eloise softly snoring against me. It might be comical if it wasn't sadly the only way for me to get anything done.

I had already done a fair bit of work to get this website organised last year and just picked it up again. A lot has changed already and I think that by the time I actually start promoting it, I'll feel quite proud of it.

The purpose of the site will be to showcase my writing work in the hope of starting new working relationships. I have a lot of promoting work to do to get to that point but I am hoping the website will be a useful tool to get there.

I think that by focusing on it for a couple more weeks, it should be ready to be out in the world, a thought that is both exciting and slightly terrifying.

Chris thinks I am putting too much pressure on myself to start working again so soon. He is partly right but I still want to get the process started. I expect things won't happen overnight and I want to be ready for when I am actually ready, if that makes sense...

Since having children, the need to be productive has been overwhelming for me. I think it is what keeps me sane within the repetitive task-oriented framework of being a full-time parent. I need to be thinking about ideas, to make things, to engage with others. Doing both, looking after Hugo and Eloise AND doing some work on the side is a balance that makes me feel fulfilled, if a little stressed at times.

In the last couple of months, I have been quite productive in terms of hobbies. I have written, knitted, made some toys, done a bit of sewing, little bits of photography and so on. When I want to, I manage to carve out little bits of time to do these things. I expect that a few hours of work here and there would be manageable.

Because, in the end, this is all I am hoping for at this stage. There is no way I could do much more than bits and bobs but I just want to dip a toe in and see what happens, if anything happens. All I want is tiny bits of work that I can expand on as the months go by, and a tiny bit of pocket money wouldn't hurt either.

My paid parental leave is over. It is thanks to the little bits of work I did maintain after Hugo that I was able to have it in the first place. But now without it, the pressure is on and although we both quite easily restrict our spending when things get lean, it's not something I want to have to do, to the current extent, for very much longer.

Regaining a little bit of control over our finances, rather than feeling like we are standing in front of a cliff, is something I feel I can do even at a merely symbolic level for the time being. If it gets too stressful, I can always stop and start again later but I think it will work.

And when I don't think about how I will get things done, I feel very excited to know that I have found my purpose in a professional sense. More on that later when I can share the link to my website.