Easter 2016

We had a super busy Easter and lots of fun. Mick & Jess came to visit us with toddler Archie and baby Oli. Archie and Hugo got along perfectly, with hardly a bicker to be heard. Eloise tried to keep up, getting smothered along the way, and baby Oli delighted us with his alert gaze and easy smile.

We organised a mini easter egg hunt in our living room. I had made little baskets for the boys which they quickly filled up. We went on several outings to various parks to snack on the grass and kick a ball. We had nice simple meals at home and managed on a few occasions to have all four children asleep at once. It never lasted long but we made a point of enjoying those moments nevertheless. We all went to bed a little past our usual bedtime but it was worth it!

The nicest part of it all was the feeling of finally being able to do things and have fun while doing them. A few months ago, I felt I had lost my enthusiasm for almost any activity or outing, feeling like it was all a huge complicated series of chores and expeditions. But things are turning around, slowly but surely, and we are starting to see what the future might look like.

Kids running around on the grass or playing in the 'fun' room while we chat away in the living room. Kids who need our attention just a little less. Kids getting along beautifully and having fun sleepovers and secret games. We're getting there. We're getting there.

On mother guilt.

As a parent, the blame game never ends.

As I write this, I am listening to Eloise screaming in her bed. I am hoping that she falls asleep soon but she could be going for a while. It's really stressful, for both of us I presume, and I am continuously blaming myself for being a terrible mother. I should be soothing her, I should be rocking her, I should be giving up on her nap, I should... I should... I should...

BUT she fell asleep on our way home in the car and once home, stayed asleep for another 20 minutes or so. When she woke up, I was dealing with Hugo who decided to go to the toilets in his pants standing half a metre from the toilet (... I don't even know...). I tried to feed her back to sleep while Hugo played on the other side of the door, strategically banging it every 5 seconds but it didn't work. I took her out of the room, sat her down and she just cried, obviously still tired. Trying to give Hugo his lunch and getting him organised for his nap, I decided that she still needed sleep and would have to figure it out. Back into her cot she went and she has been screaming since.

She has never been a good napper as we know and for almost a year now, I did all the gentle things, especially carrying her on my back or stomach for hours on end. 11 months down the track, she is heavy and my back is a mess. I can't do it anymore. I don't have the energy, I don't have the strength and I am just injuring myself at this point. I also need her to work out the napping thing and I don't know how else to go about it. She is hysterical when we put her in her cot awake and no amount of (back-breaking) soothing does anything anyway.

There are a lot of reasons... but the guilt doesn't care.

The saddest part is that if a friend of mine was telling me this exact story, I would say in a reassuring tone, "don't worry about it, he/she'll be fine, what's the worst that can happen?"

So on a rational level, I get it and yet, I am still giving myself the 'S&*%! mother of the year award' today. Oh well, let there be bad days. I am tired and flat, and my back hurts so I'll wear my badge for today and do better tomorrow. For now, this is the best I can do.

March 2016

The main event this month was obviously Hugo's birthday which turned out to be a bit of a protracted affair.

Unfortunately, Hugo was quite sick on the actual day of his birthday which was a bit of a downer. We managed to cheer things up by giving him a few presents with breakfast, decorating his scooter with loads of balloons and eating cupcakes at the park (instead of the playgroup where he would have contaminated everyone).

We made things up on the week-end with a celebration at the beach. We had more cupcakes and loads of friends to share them with. Marc came from Sydney for the occasion and Hugo got loads more presents which he got quite used to.

On Sunday, we also gave him his main present, a little train track we had saved for when he would be feeling better and could enjoy more.

Unfortunately, the week-end is also when both Chris and Eloise fell the sickest, with Chris even taking a few days off. He's still battling bad sinus congestion but everyone else is in the clear now.

Hugo is blossoming at the moment. Leaving his baby fat behing, he is turning into a funny, clever and affectionate little boy. He makes us laugh daily with some of his toddler logic and his affection for his little sister. With her, he is caring and bossy in equal measure. He likes to sit next to her to play but as soon as she touches something, we just hear him yelling, "Get away Eloiiise, get away Eloiiise!" but he insists on giving her a kiss and a hug every night before bedtime.

Eloise is nearly walking. She takes a few steps here and there but nothing consistent yet. We'll see on which side of her birthday she reaches this milestone. She is also becoming pretty funny with all her facial expressions and first sounds. But she's not all milk and honey with quite a little temper to make sure we remember she's there.

I'm looking forward to the next few months to watch how their relationship continues to develop as Eloise gains more physical independence from me.

If you have nothing nice to say...

... Step away from the keyboard.

There have been so many times recently when I have felt I wanted to write but upon thinking of what I might write about, I decided to step away because I wasn't sure I could muster much positivity.

The last few months have been a hard slog. The combination of Hugo's needs and Eloise's have left me feeling frayed and exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Eloise is on the move, big time which means that she requires absolutely constant supervision. We are entering the difficult stage where they are figuring out how to get around but have no balance, no coordination and worst of all, not one little bit of fear.

Her naps haven't really improved much either, leaving me little time during the day without her scratching at my legs to be picked up.

Hugo on the other hand is very well coordinated but so needy. It baffles, and upsets me slightly, to watch him being so independent and cheerful at preschool, while I listen to constant and incessant complaining at home. He whines about everything, every task, everything he wants or doesn't want. The soundtrack to our year was something between a whimper and a wail...

I completely accept that there are many reasons for him to be this way. His age, Eloise's birth, adjusting to preschool are the obvious ones, and I give everything I have to be loving, supportive, patient and resourceful to distract and help him. BUT I am human and I have feelings too, and the constant negativity chews them up and spits them out like an old piece of gum.

Preschool is a bit of a double-edged sword. On one hand, it's been so helpful to have a little time apart. I feel like I can breathe and the dark clouds in my head are parting. I really think I was suffocating after Christmas. His speech and abilities are improving at an impressive pace. He can put his shoes on (not always on the right foot), he can go to the toilet on his own and express his needs and wants better. It just feels like he uses up all his sunny temperament there and we are left with the rain.

It makes sense. We are his safe place so to some extent, he can take us for granted. He doesn't need to impress us or be on his best behaviour. He can let it all hang out and trust that we'll love him anyway. I tell myself that daily but it's so challenging.

After (now) three days of pre-school, I feel slightly refreshed while he is exhausted, which obviously makes even the simplest things very trying. It will get better. He'll get used to this pace and things will fall into place.

It upsets me to write this blogpost just a week before his birthday but I've been holding on to a lot of feelings lately that just need to pour out. I do feel frustrated and trapped, between a whiny toddler and a squirmy baby. One who needs constant attention and entertainment, and the other one who needs constant supervision and care.

They are both at an awkward stage which doesn't always mesh very well. They play together but it inevitably ends in tears and it's nearly impossible to play with Hugo when Eloise is around because she grabs and destroys everything. Meanwhile, it's impossible to play with Eloise because Hugo gets jealous and in the way.

One day, Eloise will get around on her own and find some independence. One day, Hugo will start playing on his own. One day, they'll play together and I won't have to worry that he is about to push her and make her topple over. One day, it will get easier, everyone says so.

Until then though, it's a tough gig. I'm hanging in there by the skin of my teeth, getting through with the help of preschool and week-ends with Chris, and the fact that when the clouds part, and the sun shines again, I can't quite believe how beautiful and adorable they both are. There will be many more positive blogposts, but not this one. Sometimes, it just needs to come out to move on.