As a parent, the blame game never ends.
As I write this, I am listening to Eloise screaming in her bed. I am hoping that she falls asleep soon but she could be going for a while. It's really stressful, for both of us I presume, and I am continuously blaming myself for being a terrible mother. I should be soothing her, I should be rocking her, I should be giving up on her nap, I should... I should... I should...
BUT she fell asleep on our way home in the car and once home, stayed asleep for another 20 minutes or so. When she woke up, I was dealing with Hugo who decided to go to the toilets in his pants standing half a metre from the toilet (... I don't even know...). I tried to feed her back to sleep while Hugo played on the other side of the door, strategically banging it every 5 seconds but it didn't work. I took her out of the room, sat her down and she just cried, obviously still tired. Trying to give Hugo his lunch and getting him organised for his nap, I decided that she still needed sleep and would have to figure it out. Back into her cot she went and she has been screaming since.
She has never been a good napper as we know and for almost a year now, I did all the gentle things, especially carrying her on my back or stomach for hours on end. 11 months down the track, she is heavy and my back is a mess. I can't do it anymore. I don't have the energy, I don't have the strength and I am just injuring myself at this point. I also need her to work out the napping thing and I don't know how else to go about it. She is hysterical when we put her in her cot awake and no amount of (back-breaking) soothing does anything anyway.
There are a lot of reasons... but the guilt doesn't care.
The saddest part is that if a friend of mine was telling me this exact story, I would say in a reassuring tone, "don't worry about it, he/she'll be fine, what's the worst that can happen?"
So on a rational level, I get it and yet, I am still giving myself the 'S&*%! mother of the year award' today. Oh well, let there be bad days. I am tired and flat, and my back hurts so I'll wear my badge for today and do better tomorrow. For now, this is the best I can do.
As I write this, I am listening to Eloise screaming in her bed. I am hoping that she falls asleep soon but she could be going for a while. It's really stressful, for both of us I presume, and I am continuously blaming myself for being a terrible mother. I should be soothing her, I should be rocking her, I should be giving up on her nap, I should... I should... I should...
BUT she fell asleep on our way home in the car and once home, stayed asleep for another 20 minutes or so. When she woke up, I was dealing with Hugo who decided to go to the toilets in his pants standing half a metre from the toilet (... I don't even know...). I tried to feed her back to sleep while Hugo played on the other side of the door, strategically banging it every 5 seconds but it didn't work. I took her out of the room, sat her down and she just cried, obviously still tired. Trying to give Hugo his lunch and getting him organised for his nap, I decided that she still needed sleep and would have to figure it out. Back into her cot she went and she has been screaming since.
She has never been a good napper as we know and for almost a year now, I did all the gentle things, especially carrying her on my back or stomach for hours on end. 11 months down the track, she is heavy and my back is a mess. I can't do it anymore. I don't have the energy, I don't have the strength and I am just injuring myself at this point. I also need her to work out the napping thing and I don't know how else to go about it. She is hysterical when we put her in her cot awake and no amount of (back-breaking) soothing does anything anyway.
There are a lot of reasons... but the guilt doesn't care.
The saddest part is that if a friend of mine was telling me this exact story, I would say in a reassuring tone, "don't worry about it, he/she'll be fine, what's the worst that can happen?"
So on a rational level, I get it and yet, I am still giving myself the 'S&*%! mother of the year award' today. Oh well, let there be bad days. I am tired and flat, and my back hurts so I'll wear my badge for today and do better tomorrow. For now, this is the best I can do.
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