Her eyes.

I'm really beating myself up about not taking more pictures with my real camera over the last few years. It's big and bulky, but damn, it takes good photos! 

On another note, I am completely fascinated by Eloise's blue eyes (although they could still just be grey). I am having trouble getting my head around having a blue-eyed girl but stranger things have happened... like having a red-headed boy.

A parent's worst nightmare.

A few nights ago, we watched an American documentary titled "Bully". Maybe it should have been called "Bullied" because it followed the harrowing stories of 5 teenagers who, for whatever reason, became the targets of vicious and cruel attacks by their peers.

Two boys were only present through their parents' voices as they had both been driven to take their own lives by the incessant harassment they endured. One bright and mature girl had become the victim of bullying by both kids and adults the moment she bravely decided to come out as a lesbian in a small US town. One young girl was about the face the courts because one morning she had snapped and brought a gun on the school-bus to scare the kids who had been tormenting her for years. No one got hurt but she had to face the consequences (obviously). I'm pretty sure the bullies didn't though. Finally, and the most painful of all, was following a young teenager from home to school and watching the isolation, constant taunting, extreme violence and sickening victim-blaming he was subjected to every moment of every day, including at home.

As a parent, to say it was difficult to watch is an understatement. It was distressing, sickening and heart-breaking to watch these kids trying to stand up and being pulled, pushed and torn down little by little, by the attacks themselves but also by a system that just wishes they would shut up about it.

When I think back to my school days, I suppose I experienced life from both sides of the fence. Never in an extreme or irreversible way.

In my days as a teenager, I don't remember a word for it but bullying was certainly present and I am embarrassed that I joined in once in a while and certainly didn't take much of a stand to protect other kids. My only excuse is that I was a child and didn't understand the consequences of those actions. I guess I just took it for granted that it wasn't happening to me and didn't think enough to realise what it might be doing to others.

As a child, I remember a time in 3rd grade when all the boys in the class had decided to bully me during recess. I have a few patchy memories of being pulled behind some bushes and hit or chased around the playground. I vaguely remember some sort of teacher saying something like, "qui aime bien, chatie bien" (meaning when someone likes you, they are mean to you.) so I guess I was expected to take it as a compliment. I became terrified of recess and would sometimes ask to stay in the classroom. It must have taken me a while to talk about it but once I did, I remember my mum speaking to their mums and it eventually stopped. I don't know how long it lasted but thankfully not long enough to impact me irreversibly.

I don't understand how kids can become so cruel but it's hard not to feel even angrier at the adults who do nothing about it, and sometimes even participate. This is the common theme that comes out of the interviews in the doco. School principals and teachers with 'plastic smiles' who 'will look into it' and simply look the other way.

Even worse was the victim-blaming. "Can't you just get along?", "Can't you stay out of his way?", "Can't you just make it stop?" Well no, they can't because they aren't the ones who get off on stabbing other people, they aren't the ones who think it's OK to sit on someone's head or punch them for no reason.

Yes, they are easy targets because they are different. They're weird and geeky and uncool but they can't just stop being all those things. The bullies can stop hitting and insulting them though. It's actually a much easier solution than asking someone to stop being who they are. Because the result is that they'll stop being altogether. Their spirit will be chipped away at until there is nothing left. It's just so sad.

It's so scary and sad to imagine Hugo or Eloise going through something like this. At home, they are loved unconditionally but outside, people won't love them like we do. They won't see the magic we see and by some horrible stroke of bad luck, it could be them who end up with 'a target on their back'.

I hope that if or when it happens, we will know how to respond and give them the tools to rise rather than crumble. I hope that we are in a system that is on their side and supports them. I hope that they are in a system where being different is a good thing. I hope that 'fitting in' isn't the holy grail. I hope they love their own magic and don't desperately try to snuff out everything that makes them unique. I hope they are lucky, but you can't control luck, so actually, I hope that no matter what, they are always hopeful.

This pic is an oldie but sometimes I miss Hugo's beautiful red curls. I just hope he loves his hair as much as we do.

Playground politics.

As our children get older, my friends and I have all stepped into a playground etiquette minefield and I think we are all struggling a little bit with it.

There was a sort of golden period with some of Hugo's friends when they had made up their little games and played really well together. I feel that Hugo hasn't changed too much but his friends seem to be a little ahead of him in terms of displaying some difficult behaviours, mostly to do with sharing.

Toddlers are possessive, they snatch and pull and push. They cuddle without consent, topple each other over, refuse to play together, scream and once in a while, hit each other.

Although all of it is normal and harmless, it's still uncomfortable when an innocent looking game ends in tears for no reason or someone accidentally gets hit by a stick wielded by an overly enthusiastic child (that could be Hugo).

I find that I tend to be on the low panic end of the spectrum and I try not to overreact if Hugo has a little tumble or has a toy snatched from his hands. His get-up-and-get-over-it attitude certainly helps in keeping things nice and calm but I do sometimes wonder if other parents get annoyed with him or if they are just stressed trying to manage their own children.

This sort of stuff starts to take the fun out of some outings. Sometimes, although I think Hugo isn't causing any problems, I'll still start to plan our departure just to remove us from the situation. The mood can change quickly with toddlers and you just have to be quick on your feet before every one hits a wall.

It isn't an aspect I really enjoy but I don't think any of us do. As long as it's just the kids getting into scuffles, then we're alright.

Two months with our blue eyed girl.

At two months, Eloise is becoming more playful. She smiles a lot, her gaze follows us around the room and she seems to spend a lot of time looking at her hands, endlessly fascinated by the movement of her long fingers.

We had a fun time taking photos this morning of our little lady while her best friend is never far away.

A toast to the chef.

I bought a little kitchen for Hugo in the hope of kick-starting some good imaginative play. To our absolute delight, he seems enamoured with it and regularly pops his apron on to make a pot of tea or a fruit stew in the oven. It was too cute not to record it.

Hugo: an incomplete lexicon

Hugo's language and speech seem to be improving every day despite slow beginnings. It gives us some insight into his funny little brain and quite a few giggles too. Here is a non-exhaustive phonetic list of the words that make up his very own language, a mixture of predominently English, a little bit of French and his own special inventions.

As I write this, I realise how unique each child's early language is. Who could possibly understand all of its nuances other than us? It feels like he has had a slow start and we are trying not to worry about the mispronunciation of most words, the fact that they are all mostly one syllable long and still quite disjointed. He is making progress everyday and there are already so many words and phrases that I have missed in this list. Many sentences are starting to take shape and his vocabulary includes adjectives and verbs, as well as nouns. It will only become more impossible to record but at least this sort of marks a point in time, until he can write for himself.

Friends and Family
Mama
Dada
Baby & Bebe for Eloise
(no word for Hugo yet)
Baba: his paternal grandfather
Lolo: Maternal bonus grandfather
Fishfi: Maternal grandfather (because of the shark puppet he often shows on Skype)
Meek: our friend Mick
Chie: Mick & Jess' son Archie
Chak: his friend Jack
Nor: his friend Elinor
(All grandmothers are left out... sorry)

Food
Kiz: Cheese
Lo: L'eau for water
Mu: milk
Ju: French pronunciation of juice
Pa: Bread (pain)
Be: Banana
Be: Peanut butter
Milam milam milam: Miam (French for yum)
O: orange
Riwri: Kiwi

Games/toys
Knock knock: knocking on doors, on sand buckets and anything else that needs a knock.
Tick the ball
Bump bump: bounce on the big gym ball
Bike: for his scooter and tricycle
Ball
Car
Trac: for tractor
B-loc: blocks
P-lane for his planes
Paah: the dreaded ipad
Pu: computer
Bla: umbrella
Bubble
Sligh: slide

Animals/natural things
Po-neigh: horse/pony
Duck duck
Peepee: chicken (apparently based on the sound they make)
rawr: lion, tiger, dinosaur, bear...
Rrrr: Pig
Mooo: cow
Seep: sheep
Gra: Giraffe
Fishfi: fish
Do: dog
Cat: sound is Melow
Bird

Tree

Flow: flower

Tik: stick

Tutle

Fro: frog

Owl

Cloud

Moon

Star

Rain

Colours
Biu: blue
Pi: pink
O: orange
Gween
Blak
Puple

Vehicles
Bu: bus
Car
P-lane
T-rain
Bike
Boat

Clothes
Pant
Shoe
Chau-sson
Pu: pull (sweater)
Sok
boot

Body:
Eyes
No: nose
fee: feet
Arm

Verbs
Eee: eat
Cloh: close
Ree: read
Walk
Tik: kick
Ki: kiss
Change

A passing phase.

Hugo seems to be going through a bit of a phase at the moment.

My usually adventurous child has become quite clingy and wary, both when we are out and when we are at home.

When we are out, he enjoys our familiar destinations (playgroup, the museum, friends' houses, the library and so on) but has become somewhat timid around people. Sadly, it's not just strangers but extends to people we see all the time as well.

He is reluctant to play where other children are playing, preferring to stand back and observe. He won't allow other people to hold him or carry him. Even touching him is problematic. If someone hands him something, he wants me to act as an intermediate pair of hands.

On the other hand, he is endlessly affectionate with his two favourite friends, Elinor and Jack. They chase each other, run around, hug each other like little puppies.

With anyone else though, he needs a safe distance. Sometimes, if he is feeling threatened, he just stands in the middle of the playground and cries out "Mama, Mama, Mama" endlessly. It's like he is paralysed. It's both sad to watch and quite irritating. In those moments when patience is running thin, I just wish he would snap out of it.

At home, he hasn't been showing great initiative for playing on his own at all, or very little. He doesn't like me out of his sight and follows me around like a shadow. I am happy to play with him but also need to attend to other things. I am trying to think of some more age appropriate toys and games which might kickstart things.

I think it would be unfair to attribute this change only to Eloise's birth. It would also be unfair not to take it into account though. Life has changed dramatically for him and it makes sense to feel a little more insecure. I suppose that although some of the things I describe started before, Eloise's birth and presence might be amplifying them.

I am trying harder to look at things from his perspective and change my own habits to support him more. I spend more time feeding Eloise where Hugo's toys are which seems to be encouraging him to play around me, if not alone.

As for the people around us, I am not quite sure how to approach it. I suppose he needs time and reassurance. He needs to feel that I am on his side. I am trying to put a few strategies in place but I don't expect it to solve itself straight away.

I don't mind him being an observer. If that was a problem to me, then I would be in trouble too. I actually think it's ok to be a little wary of people but I don't want him to feel paralysed by it. I just want him to feel secure and confident. I want him to radiate with the energy and beauty I see in him every day.

I hope that when I read this blog post again in a while from now, I will be relieved to see that it was indeed a passing phase. In the meantime, I'll just continue to stumble through the darkness trying to be the best parent I can be for my beautiful children.

Not so baby anymore.

Last nap in his cot.

Well, it's done. Hugo is sleeping in a real bed for the very first time.

Hugo's sleep around here has verged on the sacred. Although it really took a full year to get there, once he started sleeping through the night, we have only had to get up a handful of times. Even when he has a cold, his sleep is barely disrupted.

During the day, he religiously sleeps for about 3 hours, sometimes 4. In other words, Hugo's sleeping patterns are exceptionally amazing. And the idea of disrupting them was a little frightening...

BUT he is growing up and by chance I walked into his room a few days ago just as he was attempting (and getting pretty close) to climb out of his cot. He had one leg well and truly over and was about to pull himself up to get to the other side.

This was the cut off line and so the new bed was assembled over the week-end, sheets were washed, books were read and today, for his nap, Hugo climbed into his bed, snuggled under his new doona and put himself to sleep without a sound.

We'll see what happens when he wakes up.

Meanwhile, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I feel so proud of our big boy but also so sad. Who are you and what have you done with my chubby baby?!

We always reach these milestones with mixed emotions. It is of course enchanting to watch him grow up and leave his babyhood behind but it means new rules have to be written, new habits need to be formed and we, as adults so comfortably stuck in our ways, have to adapt again and again. Just as we think we have it all under control, we throw it all to the wind and start anew.

It is as amazing as it is bewildering.

As a mother, every step forward makes me want to laugh and cry. Maybe I don't need to choose and can just do both. One door closes and another one opens.

First time in a real bed.

Eloise, 8 weeks.

And if her outfit looks familiar, this might be why...

Hugo, circa 2013

The drawings.

Today, I picked up some very special artworks.

About 9 weeks ago, when I was still pregnant, I made the (bold) decision to pose for a life drawing class. It was something I wanted to do when I was pregnant with Hugo but had been too shy to organise.  This time, spurred on by the possibility that this might be my last pregnancy, I decided to live free of regrets and contacted my friend Ann of The Drawing Room.

I used to go to "The Drawing Room" before having Hugo. The classes Ann runs are relaxed, non-competitive and supportive. I enjoyed going there as a drawer and knew the experience as a model would be empowering rather than embarrassing.

It was also a way to record this pregnancy in an artistic way. With Hugo, I had made a series of photobooth strips, composed to portray my growing belly over the course of the pregnancy. They made a nice series together but I didn't feel like doing the same thing twice.

If anything, posing nude would be one for the bucket list.

Organised a weeks beforehand, the evening came and went without any problems. Although I felt nervous on my way, once on stage, any stress disappeared and I just went with it, trying to seek inspiration for poses from the models I had drawn myself.

Being pregnant gave me the level of confidence I needed to feel at ease. My round belly acted as a shield or a mask between me and the viewer. I didn't feel embarrassed because I didn't feel exposed. Pregnancy is beautiful no matter the body shape. And many of the drawers had now grown-up children so if anything, the mood was nostalgic. The artists were transported to an earlier time in their lives, when they too were welcoming children into the world.

One of the artists there, Stella, has a very distinctive style. She draws stylised figures rendered with simple black and white linework. The drawings are nearly abstract in their simplicity and generous curves. To me, they struck a perfect balance between realism and abstraction. I would find more realistic drawings awkward to show or hang in full view but they still take me right back to the exact moment or pose which provided the inspiration.

I approached Stella to discuss keeping or copying a few of her drawings. We agreed to meet again, giving her time to finish them off and turn one into a lino print.

Fast forward a few weeks and we met this morning in a cafe nearby where I was able to rediscover them. They brought back all the memories of the night and the feeling, not so distant but a lifetime away, of carrying Eloise, before I knew who she was.

In exchange for the drawings and as a token of my gratitude, I gave Stella a woollen scarf I had just finished knitting. I felt it was important to give her something that came from me. Her drawings mean more to me than what money can buy, and as she so beautifully captured a moment in my life, I wanted to leave her with a reminder of how treasured they will be.

I hope that one day, Eloise loves them as much as I do. I hope that when she sees them, they inspire her to be bold.

"Eloise"

Queen's Birthday long week-end - Pix

Little Miss Eloise is 7 weeks old.

And Hugo is just about 27 months old.