"Work according to program, not according to mood."
- Henry Miller.
If it wasn't for these words I came across this week, I wouldn't be writing today.
I feel worn out by weeks that are too long and week-ends that are too short. By the time Friday comes, I am running low on energy, patience and imagination. I've run through my social calendar for the week. We've been to the park, the museum, playgroups. Toys have been brought out and put back on the shelves too many times to count, and by Friday afternoon, I'm staring at the clock waiting for Chris' return.
Then, the week-end comes and the struggle between getting things done and having a rest begins. It goes too fast if we're having fun and just as quick if we're just ticking off boxes. I want to sleep in but I don't want the day to go by too quickly. I want to get out of the house but I also don't want the laundry, dishes, cleaning and so on to accumulate. I crave time with Chris and I crave time alone.
Before we know it, it's Sunday night and the whole routine starts all over again.
Chris was looking at photos the other day and came across some pictures from our long trip around the world. He sighed and said, "those were the days..."
It's true, they were amazing days but I told him that in a few years, when our children turn into moody teenagers or worse, when we become empty-nesters, we would be looking back at photos of Hugo with his arms out-stretched to hold his baby sister or photos of Eloise sleeping snuggly against our chest, and we'll think that actually, "those were the days...".
It's so easy to get bogged down in the frustration, the patience wearing thin, the repetitiveness of it all. The feeling that there is always more to do and that we can never get ahead.
In some ways, It's harder to feel content, grateful and ready to celebrate everything that we have accomplished (and we have accomplished a lot).
As we keep moving towards the next thing, we also need to look up once in a while and take it all in because those days we'll longingly look back on are the same ones that are full of nappy changes, never-ending laundry and the smell of regurgitated milk on all our clothes. It just doesn't feel like it right now.
I know in my heart that today is 'those days' but I'm also glad today happens to be Friday.
Getting ahead may indeed be a bit much to hope for at this stage but as surprising as it sounds, the more free time I have, the less I seem to accomplish.
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling as if having an hour to myself was endless bliss. What am I saying? Even having 2-3 minutes without someone speaking to me could become an objective!
But as I've noticed, cutting corners during the period you're in only means later spending far more time picking up the corner pieces that were left to fall to the ground.
So now is now and later is later. Solid roots (see above photo) will become swift wings ...