A few nights ago, we watched an American documentary titled "Bully". Maybe it should have been called "Bullied" because it followed the harrowing stories of 5 teenagers who, for whatever reason, became the targets of vicious and cruel attacks by their peers.
Two boys were only present through their parents' voices as they had both been driven to take their own lives by the incessant harassment they endured. One bright and mature girl had become the victim of bullying by both kids and adults the moment she bravely decided to come out as a lesbian in a small US town. One young girl was about the face the courts because one morning she had snapped and brought a gun on the school-bus to scare the kids who had been tormenting her for years. No one got hurt but she had to face the consequences (obviously). I'm pretty sure the bullies didn't though. Finally, and the most painful of all, was following a young teenager from home to school and watching the isolation, constant taunting, extreme violence and sickening victim-blaming he was subjected to every moment of every day, including at home.
As a parent, to say it was difficult to watch is an understatement. It was distressing, sickening and heart-breaking to watch these kids trying to stand up and being pulled, pushed and torn down little by little, by the attacks themselves but also by a system that just wishes they would shut up about it.
When I think back to my school days, I suppose I experienced life from both sides of the fence. Never in an extreme or irreversible way.
In my days as a teenager, I don't remember a word for it but bullying was certainly present and I am embarrassed that I joined in once in a while and certainly didn't take much of a stand to protect other kids. My only excuse is that I was a child and didn't understand the consequences of those actions. I guess I just took it for granted that it wasn't happening to me and didn't think enough to realise what it might be doing to others.
As a child, I remember a time in 3rd grade when all the boys in the class had decided to bully me during recess. I have a few patchy memories of being pulled behind some bushes and hit or chased around the playground. I vaguely remember some sort of teacher saying something like, "qui aime bien, chatie bien" (meaning when someone likes you, they are mean to you.) so I guess I was expected to take it as a compliment. I became terrified of recess and would sometimes ask to stay in the classroom. It must have taken me a while to talk about it but once I did, I remember my mum speaking to their mums and it eventually stopped. I don't know how long it lasted but thankfully not long enough to impact me irreversibly.
I don't understand how kids can become so cruel but it's hard not to feel even angrier at the adults who do nothing about it, and sometimes even participate. This is the common theme that comes out of the interviews in the doco. School principals and teachers with 'plastic smiles' who 'will look into it' and simply look the other way.
Even worse was the victim-blaming. "Can't you just get along?", "Can't you stay out of his way?", "Can't you just make it stop?" Well no, they can't because they aren't the ones who get off on stabbing other people, they aren't the ones who think it's OK to sit on someone's head or punch them for no reason.
Yes, they are easy targets because they are different. They're weird and geeky and uncool but they can't just stop being all those things. The bullies can stop hitting and insulting them though. It's actually a much easier solution than asking someone to stop being who they are. Because the result is that they'll stop being altogether. Their spirit will be chipped away at until there is nothing left. It's just so sad.
It's so scary and sad to imagine Hugo or Eloise going through something like this. At home, they are loved unconditionally but outside, people won't love them like we do. They won't see the magic we see and by some horrible stroke of bad luck, it could be them who end up with 'a target on their back'.
I hope that if or when it happens, we will know how to respond and give them the tools to rise rather than crumble. I hope that we are in a system that is on their side and supports them. I hope that they are in a system where being different is a good thing. I hope that 'fitting in' isn't the holy grail. I hope they love their own magic and don't desperately try to snuff out everything that makes them unique. I hope they are lucky, but you can't control luck, so actually, I hope that no matter what, they are always hopeful.
Two boys were only present through their parents' voices as they had both been driven to take their own lives by the incessant harassment they endured. One bright and mature girl had become the victim of bullying by both kids and adults the moment she bravely decided to come out as a lesbian in a small US town. One young girl was about the face the courts because one morning she had snapped and brought a gun on the school-bus to scare the kids who had been tormenting her for years. No one got hurt but she had to face the consequences (obviously). I'm pretty sure the bullies didn't though. Finally, and the most painful of all, was following a young teenager from home to school and watching the isolation, constant taunting, extreme violence and sickening victim-blaming he was subjected to every moment of every day, including at home.
As a parent, to say it was difficult to watch is an understatement. It was distressing, sickening and heart-breaking to watch these kids trying to stand up and being pulled, pushed and torn down little by little, by the attacks themselves but also by a system that just wishes they would shut up about it.
When I think back to my school days, I suppose I experienced life from both sides of the fence. Never in an extreme or irreversible way.
In my days as a teenager, I don't remember a word for it but bullying was certainly present and I am embarrassed that I joined in once in a while and certainly didn't take much of a stand to protect other kids. My only excuse is that I was a child and didn't understand the consequences of those actions. I guess I just took it for granted that it wasn't happening to me and didn't think enough to realise what it might be doing to others.
As a child, I remember a time in 3rd grade when all the boys in the class had decided to bully me during recess. I have a few patchy memories of being pulled behind some bushes and hit or chased around the playground. I vaguely remember some sort of teacher saying something like, "qui aime bien, chatie bien" (meaning when someone likes you, they are mean to you.) so I guess I was expected to take it as a compliment. I became terrified of recess and would sometimes ask to stay in the classroom. It must have taken me a while to talk about it but once I did, I remember my mum speaking to their mums and it eventually stopped. I don't know how long it lasted but thankfully not long enough to impact me irreversibly.
I don't understand how kids can become so cruel but it's hard not to feel even angrier at the adults who do nothing about it, and sometimes even participate. This is the common theme that comes out of the interviews in the doco. School principals and teachers with 'plastic smiles' who 'will look into it' and simply look the other way.
Even worse was the victim-blaming. "Can't you just get along?", "Can't you stay out of his way?", "Can't you just make it stop?" Well no, they can't because they aren't the ones who get off on stabbing other people, they aren't the ones who think it's OK to sit on someone's head or punch them for no reason.
Yes, they are easy targets because they are different. They're weird and geeky and uncool but they can't just stop being all those things. The bullies can stop hitting and insulting them though. It's actually a much easier solution than asking someone to stop being who they are. Because the result is that they'll stop being altogether. Their spirit will be chipped away at until there is nothing left. It's just so sad.
It's so scary and sad to imagine Hugo or Eloise going through something like this. At home, they are loved unconditionally but outside, people won't love them like we do. They won't see the magic we see and by some horrible stroke of bad luck, it could be them who end up with 'a target on their back'.
I hope that if or when it happens, we will know how to respond and give them the tools to rise rather than crumble. I hope that we are in a system that is on their side and supports them. I hope that they are in a system where being different is a good thing. I hope that 'fitting in' isn't the holy grail. I hope they love their own magic and don't desperately try to snuff out everything that makes them unique. I hope they are lucky, but you can't control luck, so actually, I hope that no matter what, they are always hopeful.
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| This pic is an oldie but sometimes I miss Hugo's beautiful red curls. I just hope he loves his hair as much as we do. |
I suppose in my day the term was "teasing" and I was teased for being fat (which I wasn't) and for wearing lace-up shoes (to support my flat feet) rather than loafers. At the time, I didn't realize that the classmate teasing me was terribly uncomfortable in her own skin. This insight would surely have helped me brush off her cruel remarks. Instead they stayed with me.
ReplyDeleteThe pressure to grow as quickly as everyone else and to "develop" at the same time rarely goes away even when the slower children wind up outgrowing their peers. If one is lucky not to be broken by the cruelty, one does inevitably "build character" to compensate but surely there are more positive ways to do so!